Thoughts by Diana

Three Words Have Rocked My World!

Diana — Tue, 08 May 2012 12:56:23 +0000

Three words from my mother have changed my world. I know she doesn’t realize it, and I am not sure I can even explain to my sisters the full impact that this has had on my life.

I didn’t totally understand what I was feeling until I was listening to Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes the other day. I am listening to the fifth and final volume of her work, The Dangerous Old Woman.
In this volume, entitled, How To Be An Elder, Dr. Estes was talking about forgiveness and “No more debt owed.”

I know I am not quoting this exactly, but this is what it meant to me: I did not feel that anything was owed to me anymore after my mother spoke these three words.

I will backtrack a bit. My mom is ninety years old and has always had a rough time raising four girls. There was depression that was not recognized or acknowledged by her or my father.
It was rough on us and her behavior sometimes became, for lack of a better way to put it, insane. What may have been our salvation was this: There was truly a lot of love in our family and my sisters and I had each other for help in navigating the world. We have survived.

Recently, my mom came to stay with me for about 2 1/2 weeks. This may not ever happen again as it involved quite a few steps. She flew into Michigan from South Carolina, stayed with one of my sisters, and after resting there for a week, my sister drove her here, to Pennsylvania.

At the end of her visit with us, I drove her back to Michigan, where she would rest then fly back to South Carolina, where she now lives with my oldest sister.
So, it was a lot of traveling and she may not be able to do that again. I am glad she came though it was a little tough.

The amazing thing happened on the five-hour drive up to Michigan at the end of the visit.

Usually, I run out of patience and the talk can seem endless with stories and sentences I have heard hundreds of times before. This time, that didn’t happen.

My mom is feeling guilty about how she handled things having to do with my father’s care near the end and talks about this quite a bit.

She is also on a kick of saying that she felt a mean mother was a good mother. I think she is looking back and wishing she had done things differently and wondering about her child-rearing style. I didn’t like the whole “mean” thing and suggested that maybe she meant strict moms can be good moms.

The conversation had actually been ok with the hours passing and me not freaking out. Something she said then led me to speak on a point that has bothered me all my life. I am not sure what she said first, and I hesitated for a couple of seconds before I decided to go with it.

I said something like, “One thing I wish you had done and that I always wanted with you….” and I could see her turn her head toward me as I drove. I could feel her listening and knew that I had her full attention, which is, in itself, amazing.

I continued and said something like, “I always wanted to be able to talk to you about my life. I wanted to tell you what I was going through and what was really happening. I wanted to be able to tell you the truth and you didn’t want the truth and you didn’t want to hear it.”

She said, and these are the three words that have set me free, “I was terrified.”

And with that, I let go of a resentment that I have held onto since I was about fifteen years old.

It was an acknowledgement of something that I knew to be true, that had never, ever before been acknowledged and it was a validation of my experience. She had never addressed this.

My mom has always been fearful although it took me until I was an adult to really realize this. She has rarely been honest about her own thoughts and feelings.

This was the most honest, real sentence that I have ever heard from her.

And it took care of every part of this particular resentment and for the first time in my life, I can let it go.

I don’t have to ever speak of it again.

I don’t have to whine about how I wished my mom had let me tell her stuff, how I always wanted that, wah, wah, wah.

It wasn’t an apology. I wasn’t really looking for an apology, though I didn’t even know that until this happened.

I wanted to know that it had truly been the reality. She did not want the truth. She hadn’t wanted to talk things over. She didn’t want to face the facts about issues I was dealing with or what my sisters and I were experiencing in our lives.

And she had a reason. Terror. She didn’t say, “I was scared.” She said she was terrified.

It’s often easy to look back and think about how we should have handled something from long ago or compare our actions to what we would do in the same situation now. This is what we have to remember: we did what we did then with the tools we had. We made our decisions based on what we knew then. We did the best we could.

Whether or not her best wasn’t what I wanted or needed right then has nothing to do with it. She was terrified. She could only act in the way that she was capable of acting. She worked with what she had and what she knew.

That is an honest, so very honest response, and it cut right to the heart of my life.

I feel a peace in a part of me that I have never felt before.
This is what forgiveness is.
For the first time I think I know what true forgiveness feels like.

There is no debt owed me.

I am so very glad I said what I did to her before it was too late. It is amazing to me that it has had this effect on me.

I would have lived with the regret and sadness about this for the rest of my life.

I love being able to let this go. Finally.

Please share with me your thoughts and comments. Have you ever experienced forgiveness? Has anything ever happened that you can’t let go of? Are you looking for acknowledgement or an apology? Thanks in advance for telling us your story! I look forward to hearing from you.

It’s the little things that make us happy…Here are 15 ideas to get you started!

Diana — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 18:05:49 +0000

These are 15 simple actions you can take to make your personal world a happier place.

It’s the little changes that can add up to big STUFF.

1. Tidy one drawer in your home.
2. Smile at everyone you see for one day.
3. At the end of the day, think of 5 things you are grateful for.
4. Jump up, right now, and shout, “Life is Good!”
5. Buy fruit. Eat it.
6. Talk to your plants. Or other people’s plants.Or all plants.
7. Write a thank you note to someone.
8. Vow, never, ever again wear something that makes you feel bad.
9. One day a week, go without T.V.
10. Dust something that you rarely think about.
11. Take an honest look at your alcohol consumption.
12. Let go of a resentment. Every time you think about it say, “Oh, that was so last year!”
13. For one complete day, don’t talk about anyone else.
14. Drink a full glass of water, and say, “Man that’s good!” Smack your lips.
15. Laugh really, really hard. Even if you are by yourself. Especially if you are by yourself.

Different Thinking, Different Living

Diana — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:07:31 +0000

What would it be like if you could suddenly wake up and all the damage you had done to your body was erased? You were suddenly fit and healthy and could start over. What would that look like?

Let’s imagine…You would be a desirable weight and be able to walk, run and move easily.
You would have the energy to keep up with all the tasks and demands of your busy life.
Exercise would be a natural part of each day.
You would choose foods to eat that would give you energy and vitality.
You would get enough sleep and wake up rested and restored.
You would not be saying things like, “Stress is normal. I am always stressed!”

Ah, I can hear you say, “But I don’t have time to do the things that would make me feel that way!”
But, I am here to tell you,
Yes, you do.
It’s time to take control of your health. It is empowering to commit to a goal.

I would like you to try this: Pick one thing you can do today for your health. All you need is fifteen minutes.
I will give you a few ideas:

1) Walk out your front door. Walk for 7 1/2 minutes. Turn around.
Go back home.
2) Make a salad to have for a later lunch or dinner.
3) Do stretches for every part of your body. Smile. Feel good.
4) Make a cup of tea. Drink it slowly..
5) Wash a piece of fruit. Sit down. Eat the fruit.

You get the idea. Start with something small.
Feel good that you did something really good for yourself! Resolve to do something else tomorrow.

A journey starts with that single step. Start your journey toward a fitter, healthier life…TODAY!

The Secret to a Happy and Successful Family Life!

Diana — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 20:49:44 +0000

I first ran this blog in 2008 and updated it for a few publications over the past couple of years.

I have recently been asked about it and decided to share it again.

Running a happy, successful home can be compared to running a successful business. I do both. These are the ten key areas that cannot be neglected.

Know your mission. Companies have mission statements and it is important to know the mission statement for your family. My husband and I decided many years ago that there were certain values that we felt were important to instill in our children. It was important that they grew up happy and secure. We wanted them to know they were loved. We wanted them to value people, and to know the value of hard work. We jokingly referred to our desire for them to be polite and well-mannered, as making them good little citizens. This was our way of saying that they would be contributing members to society. So our mission statement was: We will make sure they are good people.
Make sure all the members of your family (the work force) know they are appreciated and important. This is important in all organizations. Members need to know that they are contributing and their contribution is valued. You should acknowledge them as important to the family’s success and happiness.
Have good support systems in place. In any business, it is necessary to have consultants, suppliers and assistants, and know when and where to go for outside advice and help. In a family, your support system consists of physicians, teachers, coaches, and all the other people you and your

family interact with on a regular basis. Make sure they are doing the job they should, i.e., that they add value to the organization.

Organization is key. A well-run family life is like a well-run business. You must have good organizational systems in place. You need to know where people need to be, at what time, and how they will accomplish their goals.
An atmosphere of trust and safety is necessary in any organization that wants to achieve positive results. Your children and the parent or parents need to know that there is honesty and integrity throughout the family.
Any organization requires rules, and consequences for failure to follow the rules should be consistent and fair. Guidelines and expectations need to be clear, and good/successful behavior should be expected and rewarded. Respect for all members of the organization is important and non-negotiable. If there are problems, a good parent/manager needs to intervene and help those involved, work it out in a calm and logical manner.
Education should be valued. Any organization should encourage growth and learning, and will accordingly benefit from all members understanding the value of education. The members will likewise benefit from learning to help themselves and others.
The family, like any organization, needs to meet often to discuss concerns and challenges. This can often be done over dinner, which incidentally is an excellent time to bond and learn what each member (division) is working on. Sharing what the divisions are working on helps the members to get to know each other and can lead to communication that can be supportive and helpful.
Good health is another key and the prescription is no secret: good nutrition, exercise, proper amounts of sleep, and not too much junk food. Just as sloppy habits lead to underperformance, strong health habits lead to strong performance.
Perhaps most importantly, a family must have time to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Just as companies plan outings or parties, a family needs to plan time together as a unit. Vacations or outings can help members find ways of bonding, sharing and building a common legacy.

Mission accomplished!

The Whack-a-Mole of Life

Diana — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 10:59:24 +0000

This is what I have determined. My life is a game of Whack-a-Mole. You know, the game where as the ball or mole pops up, you hit it with a little hammer and it goes down, only to have another one pop up, which you then take care of, and so on and so forth. I used to think that life was only this way when I had small children, but no.

It is always this way, will always be this way, forever and ever, amen.

And it’s ok. The acceptance of the Whack-a-Mole of life is key to having a good time and feeling as if I am getting somewhere.

It’s when I fight this reality that the stress changes from good energy and feelings of accomplishment, to bad stress and feelings of discouragement.

Do you do that? Keep frustrating yourself with the thought that, “I will get done with —–fill in the blank—and then everything will calm down? It WON’T! It may always be crazy and it may always feel like a lot or too much, and that’s ok! Accept it! Throw back your head, laugh hysterically (Which is what I actually did yesterday) and move on sister! (Or brother, whoever you may be.) Go on. Do it right now. It’s kind of fun.

Why do we think that life is supposed to be calm? Why do we try to convince ourselves that life is orderly? Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Often, it is messy, and silly and annoying and stupid. And sometimes it is absolutely wonderful. And sometimes it is just…..ok.

What makes your life a Whack-a-Mole?

Who wants their “love handles” held, anyway?

Diana — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 11:04:31 +0000

I am really annoyed about the love handle area. You know what that is… the area right around the waist and back that is so cutely called, love handles.

I hate that name.

Ok, maybe the problem is, I have them. I think, to be honest, that’s why I hate the name that has been given to this troublesome area of the body.

I didn’t always have them. But, as I near my mid-fifties, and menopause is upon me full force, there you have it: love handles.

Quick Note: I usually blame anything that I don’t want to take responsibility for as the fault of menopause, or my mother. (If it’s not one thing, it’s a mother!)

Now, here’s the thing. I’m not overweight. I am not fat. I exercise every day and do some really tough work outs. I eat right.

So, it’s the damndest thing and it really has me annoyed.

Wait, I just realized that now my secret is out. Should I stop writing to prevent everyone from scrutinizing my waistline the next time I am out in the world? Will all my creative dressing be for naught?

Too late. Maybe this is progress of some sort that I don’t care if people know.

It’s easy to say, “I will embrace aging,” when you are in your thirties, and maybe…okay I am stretching it a little, your forties. But when the reality of aging hits, you have to have a serious talk with yourself about what is important in this life and what isn’t.

It is really, really hard to face the facts of aging. There is the internal stuff that is hard to take as in when you feel brain fog (menopause) or say things that you know instantly make you sound old. (My mother)

But the outside changes are rough.

How do I hide wrinkles?

Can I hide wrinkles?

Aren’t I supposed to be proud of my wrinkles?

Should I get an eye/face/everything lift?

Should I keep dying my hair?

If I do, should I go lighter?

What color of clothes look best?

What is the right hemline?

Can I still wear shorts?

How long?

How short?

Aaccckkkk!!!

I teach “letting go.”
I write about self care and self love.
I know what is important and what isn’t.
Maybe if they weren’t called that….I don’t know. Would it make a difference?

(By the way: I am not giving up I found these really good exercises. I am trying these and I can feel that they hit the right area! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8eQxP7lszM)

“The Wabi-Sabi of Life” Guest Post by Laura Crooks

Diana — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 20:22:13 +0000

I read Laura’s lovely article and immediately asked her if I could post it on my blog. I know you will enjoy it as much as I did!—Diana Fletcher

The Wabi-Sabi of Life

I discovered a new word and I just love it: wabi-sabi (not wasabi as I first read it).

I not only love to say it, I love what it represents.

Wabi-sabi is the beauty in things imperfect or incomplete, like the cracks in the bark of a tree or in dry earth.

Life has so much beauty; some is obvious and some is more subtle. Wabi-sabi is maybe the less appreciated or less noticed beautiful part. While it is everywhere, you may not always notice it.
There are benefits to noticing wabi-sabi.

It enhances life, like stress management and gratitude bundled together. It is everywhere; here is how to find it.

slow down – Wabi-sabi is not something you can easily see while rushing through life.

look for it – Your eye can only see what your mind already knows. Now that you are aware of the potential for beauty in unexpected laces you are better equipped to spot it.

let it find you – This is not something you can force; be open to seeing it.

appreciate it – Take a moment to enjoy it and be thankful you noticed. You can also anticipate the next time you might experience it. (Appreciation and anticipation are components of happiness.)

share it – Share the word, the concept, and particular examples with others. Point out the unexpectedly beautiful things you discover; it will make the world a better place.

While typing this I looked up and saw wabi-sabi in the aging tulip bouquet in front of me. The old beauty is different from the unexpressed potential of a bud, but just as interesting. Jasper bunny also had it even in his last days. When his eyes were goopy and he hadn’t yet washed his face there was wabi-sabi. His perfect beauty was still there.

Go let some wabi-sabi into your life.

The world will seem that much more wonderful and it can lower your stress and boost your happiness. You never know when your next wabi-sabi sighting might be!

Laura Crooks is an RN, speaker, and certified wellness coach living in Pittsburgh, PA with her husband and children (plus the bunnies and leopard gecko). She helps experienced dieters keep the weight off permanently – from the inside out. She believes that your stress, sleep, moods, weight, values, appetite, exercise, and happiness are interrelated and making a change in one area positively impacts other areas as well. Permanent weight loss starts in your mind, not in your mouth!

For more information about Laura and her programs, please visit www.YouBloomWellness.com

So, You Want to be a Life Coach?

Diana — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:47:07 +0000

Years ago, my sister had a life coach. I was very curious about what they did together. Each week I would ask her what they had talked about and what the life coach had said. She would tell me, and I would say, “I could have told you that!” and we would laugh.

This continued for a while and then one day it hit me. I could have told her those things! Throughout my life, I have helped, inspired, and supported people, but did not know that this was coaching. Have you ever felt this way?
Maybe there is a life coach inside you.

I gathered information and researched and I decided to become a certified life coach. I chose a six-month program with Coach Training Alliance. It was an incredible program and worth the time and expense.

I would like to share a snapshot of what I have learned over the last five years. I have also included some questions you can ask yourself if you think you would like to pursue coaching as a career. There is a lot more to being a coach than the coaching. You have to know how to run a business, and that, my friends, needs to be an entirely different article.

Over the past five years, I have learned to discern who will be a good client (someone who will work hard and try new approaches), and who will not fit with my style.
People can be nervous or excited when they start to work with a coach, but all of them want to feel acknowledged. They want to know that they are not alone and that they are not crazy (really!) for wanting more in their lives. They want someone to really hear them.

My training has taught me how to be supportive while holding a person accountable for their actions. This is the way they will achieve their goals.
It is important to help them develop skills in their own lives. An example: how to ignore the negative messages they hear inside themselves and from the outside world.

This is not counseling, though it can be emotional.

I like coaching over the phone because the client has a sense of privacy if they do feel the tears coming.

I bring the wisdom that I have gained in my own life to my coaching. I use discretion in sharing HOW I know what I know because the coaching is not about me.
There is always the danger of doing too much for someone and creating an unhealthy relationship.
This is where coaching skills can come in handy. I have learned to separate myself from my clients.
Because it is a caring relationship, a coach has to be able to do this.

Now, is becoming a Life Coach for you?

I have included a short list of questions that you may want to ask yourself. This is by no means an inclusive list, but this could tell you a little more about yourself.

1. Do you like to help people?
2. Do you feel that you are intuitive?
3. Are you a good listener? Can you be comfortable with silence?
4. Do you have a lot of energy to run a business?
5. Are you willing to keep learning and refining your skills?
6. Are you honest? Are your values in line with what you say you believe?
7. Will you hold someone to his/her word?

If you answered yes to these questions, there may just be a coach inside you, waiting to get started!

This article along with other great articles is in the latest issue of Havamag. (Issue #7)

Click here for Issue # 7

Diana Fletcher © 2011
www.dianafletcher.com

Are You Brave Enough to Live in the NOW?

Diana — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 16:08:27 +0000

It can be difficult to keep your mind in the present.

It’s natural to think about the past and remember people and places you loved and fun or sadness you experienced.

It’s understandable that you look ahead to the future for a few different reasons. It’s fun to look forward to upcoming events or you may be anxious for a period of heightened stress to be over. You may also be preparing finances and schedules so that you and your family can be safe, protected and happy.

However, is that all you do?
Do you spend all of your time thinking about every other time instead of right now?

My favorite quote is one of Eknath Easwaran’s. “The way we live the minutes of each day, is the way we live our lives.”
Think about it. All of your “right nows” add up to your life.
You need to live in the present, the NOW.

This is not the same as the immature attitude of, “Hey, I am just living for today! I will party/drink/shop/be irresponsible because I may not be here tomorrow!”
It means living with intention and truly noticing your life as you are living it.

There are some surprising outcomes when you live in the now.
As you start paying attention, you may be inspired to make important life changes. Your awareness will be heightened as to what you are eating, whom you spend time with and what you are actually doing with your time. Keep this is mind. If you are honest as you try this, you will notice things you like, but you will also notice things you don’t like.
Be brave because the honesty and realizations can be scary.

However, and I am telling you from experience, living with intention is totally worth it.
Give it a try. Right this minute, stop and check in with yourself. How are you feeling? What have you been thinking about? What is good about right now?
Think about this: You could start living your best life ever right this minute!

To help you start your Living in the NOW, go to Diana’s YouTube video: “Breathing to Calm Yourself.”

Feel free to comment and answer this question: Do you think you live in the NOW?

A Topless Dancer Had a More Normal Life Than I Did

Diana — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 14:02:01 +0000

I knew things were getting really weird when I realized that the topless dancer seemed to have a more normal life than I did.

She, at least, had a regular Sunday dinner and as she frosted the cake that she and her boyfriend would have for dessert that night, she described her work from the week before. It seems as if someone had put something in one of her drinks while she was dancing and she had to be rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. She stated this very casually. She knew it was odd or interesting enough to relate as a story, but wasn’t at all alarmed about it. This is when I realized I really had to make some changes.

When topless dancers, pot, drinking and living with absolutely no furniture is your daily existence, you begin to view the world in a very strange way. The question I often asked myself was, what the hell am I doing? And then I would have another beer.

I liked Texas. When I think of places that I have lived in the past, most of the time I follow the liking thought with thoughts of how much nicer it might have been to also have more money at the time. And then, I think, no. That wouldn’t have been good. I would have just been a better-dressed drunk who could gone out to more places to drink. And that’s how it was.

Everywhere I lived, I drank too much. Recently, I was thinking yet again about a relationship that went sour and how mean he was, and what an asshole, and how could I do that to myself, and then I stopped short. For the first time, I acknowledged what a pain in the ass I probably was. I was a drunk. It’s one thing if the person is keeping up, but what a bad situation that would be for the person living with the drunk. Take responsibility, me.

The sad thing is, I was only 20 and my life was, well, kind of a mess.

I remember that day that I met the dancer. She was almost nineteen. That’s what freaked me out. She had a more normal life than I had. She lived with her boyfriend. He held a job in construction. She made car payments, worked Tuesdays through Saturdays, and made a regular dinner every Sunday afternoon. They had furniture in their apartment and a nice stereo system. She had a way about her that was friendly and almost innocent and I couldn’t figure it out. She made her life sound almost appealing.

It was interesting.How could she sound so innocent, and then Tuesday night, go to work, take off her clothes and dance with the knowledge that someone could put something in her drink. I was frankly, fascinated.

This was the latest in a series of many red flags that I had previously chosen to ignore.

When was I going to get my act together?

I prayed for help. I actually, said, “please get me out of this situation.
I don’t know what to do, but something has to change.”
I did get an answer and I was forced to make changes.
I was in a car accident and I broke my neck.